Somehow its already two weeks ago since I’ve finished my stay-cation. The world been spinning at such a fast pace, it’s hard to keep up.
The past two weeks have been insanely busy. There were infinite many things to do for work which had all piled up from before vacation until now. There was a tropical storm. I had a fever. There’s been a change in some personal relationships. I am constantly feeling uncertain and being triggered by my surroundings on how my life feels incredibly chaotic.
Now I know my life isn’t actually all that chaotic. I have a lot of things which I am incredibly grateful for and lucky to have. I have a job. I have family and friends (even though most of my friends are spread out across the globe). I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and clothes to wear. I have what I need, even though I believe that there shouldn’t be a question of whether anyone should have these things or not. Everyone is entitled to a home, a family, a safe place to live, eat and sleep. Basic human rights/necessities.
But besides making sure you have those, I feel like there are also spiritual and emotional needs that every individual has. And I’ve reached a point in my life where I am constantly confronted by these aspects of myself. I think about who I want to be as a person and how I want to shape my life. Topics I know that never have a definite answer and the future is always changes so planning for it has started to feel silly. But questions like am I happy with where I am? With who I am? Am I creating things that I feel happy and proud of? Am I creating things that make me grow into the human that I want to be and create every day? These are questions that I’ve been thinking of a lot recently. I’ve been trying to shape my life as a response to these questions. Working on choosing who I want to be every day.
Sometimes this feels easy, like everything I did that day helps me be who I want to be. these are the days when I spend a lot of time writing, creating, feeling happy. When I look at the things that make me happy its just that, reading books and writing about my life and things that I find interesting or fun, like cooking and backing (which you can find under the food section of my blog) and I like journaling, doodling in my journal, catching up with friends and working on learning languages on Duolingo. These are days when I find time to go for a run or go to the beach, where I feel inspired to do yoga. This sounds a lot like a weekend day, but I have these days during the week too, where I feel good and feel motivated to work for both my job and myself.
But some days existing to my fullest potential and working towards the me that I want to be and create feels like the hardest thing to do. When I just want to lie on the couch and have zero responsibilities and ignore the world. These are days when I feel zero motivation to create, to do yoga, do write and draw. Sometimes I give in to the couch feeling and if its a weekend, then I do give in to doing absolutely nothing. But on weekdays this is difficult to give in to. I don’t think I should always give into it either as I don’t want to put myself in a type of rut. I try to get something productive done so that I’m at least doing something positive towards creating myself every day. Even if it is just one thing.
I do think that having an occasional day of absolutely nothing and just existing is important to create a balance among all the hardworking days where I don’t give myself breaks or moments to un-focus from creating myself. I think that meeting somewhere in the middle is the best way to go at it – to create a balance. Whenever I feel so out of balance, my mom quotes me a line from the movie Hector and the Search for Happiness. The quote goes somewhere along the lines of “sometimes living a balanced life means being out of balance”. And whenever my mom tells me this I always get a smile on my face and I feel myself relax a little.
I feel like the chaotic feeling I have and the stress I feel about my life is because there are big things in the works and many shifts happening. I’m changing the way my work-structure I shaped. I still work from home and have a five-day work week, but the type of projects I will be doing has expanded for both the pharmaceutical-related work I do and the Global Young Leaders work I do. Additionally, because I’ve made a better split in my work, I’ve also found more time and inspiration to be creative throughout the week more often, which was something I struggled with before. I used to not feel motivated to write, but now I do. This is, for sure, also due to the fact that I gave my blog a bit of a boost during vacation.
Besides feeling creative in work and blogging, I’ve also translated this feeling of creativity to working on my novel, feeling inspired to write in my journal, and I feel like my increased creativity/inspiration has also exposed me to more opportunities. Something that came on my path the other day, while I wasn’t necessarily looking for it was a living opportunity in Amsterdam. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed as nothing is official, but I’ll be getting more information next week and I just feel really excited and calm at the idea of moving to Amsterdam and living there for a while. I know I still have many travel plans in the upcoming year(s) but as I don’t know how that’ll flow because of global travel restrictions, this just seems like the perfect possibility. The apartment looks super cute too.
Since it feels like big changes are happening, I also decided to change up my hair. In my life, I have a tendency to accompany turbulent and changing times (turbulent not meant negatively), with a change in hairstyle. So, last Thursday night I cut my own bangs. I have never had bangs before and this could’ve turned out quite horribly, in all honesty, but, very luckily, it didn’t. I just decided that I would test it out and if it’d look bad I would have my hair up a lot for the next while. I’m not sure if I’ll keep cutting my hair so that the bangs stay, as I like my face with no bangs as well, but I’m quite proud of how they turned out having used only WikiHow as instructions.
So now, new hair, possibly a new apartment and city to move to, and a new outlook in my working career, life feels like its developing rapidly. All these things have brought a lot of feelings and thoughts up within me, and that has mainly been the reason that life has felt so chaotic. But when you write it all down, life doesn’t seem so chaotic after all. Everything sounds much simpler. Maybe its just writing it all down that helps makes it feel much clearer and much more okay.
And while I still am working through a lot internally and while I am still processing big life events that have taken place in the past three months, I’m sure I’ll be okay. I try to remember that being out of balance is healthy for living a balanced life.